Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It Is Now March And Spring Is Right Around The Corner.

Wow, September was my last time of posting and I have no excuses except life getting in the way.

Things here are very tense and I find myself running around to find the joy that gets me through. The tension started Christmas night as Corky said something to my grandkids mom regarding who's house she was in and a conversation across the room that she had no business voicing an opinion in. She gathered up the kids and my son and left in tears of frustration. I did not see Isaac and Hannah until a week later when Isaac had his tonsils out. I went to his house to see them three or four times. No mention was made about them coming here and everytime I asked, an excuse was given. A poor excuse at that. It wasn't until the middle of February that she announced her new schedule for the kids. Hannah for 4 hours on Mondays. None for Isaac until I mentioned that I would pick him up from school on Fridays and he could spend some time with me until his dad picked him up after work. After over ten years of not crying once, I was in tears and feeling punished for something I did not do. I have settled in on this new schedule for now as there is nothing I can do.

After the new year, my other sons wife told him to leave and she was divorcing him. It hasn't even been a full three year marriage. He had lost his job and was on unemployment, still is and she reminded him of it daily. Construction is still at a standstill here in California as it is so many other places. He was told a year ago that she no longer loved him. This is her second divorce and she never let him deal with the teenager who was arrested for selling drugs, drove their new family car without even having a license and the car burned up, totalled. He stole checks from Eric and forged them for over $500 and was told to not get on the kid for it. The kid is now 18 and on probation and still screwing up. Eric is no angel, has a drug problem himself and dealing with rejection and failure of his marriage. To be honest here, Corky and I felt it was doomed before it ever started and we don't believe in divorce. So now Eric is living back at home here and I am sure feels like a total loser. He brought a lot of this on himself and is in denial that it is over. Lots of anger outbursts and tension in our home that was so peaceful before Christmas. Top all that off with the grandkids mom already having an attitude problem with her husbands twin brother and I feel this is what changed the kids schedule in coming here besides Corky politely putting her in her place. There is too much testosterone floating around in this house right now. And Corky hasn't seen Isaac and Hannah since Christmas. He has been working until 11:00 pm for the past four months and is now back on regular hours, thank God. These are all things that have kept me from posting here because I am ashamed and feel like a bad mom at times. But I need prayer so I am posting in case anyone still checks in. I don't blame you if you don't. My heart feels like it weighs a ton most days and I am able to find nuggets of joy to keep me going. I have to keep reminding myself that my sons problems are his own and I can't fix it. I have to tune out the ranting and raging until it gets personal and disrespectful and then I have to stand up for myself. My heart breaks for him and yet I want to just haul off and bitch slap him when he won't stop ranting. He used to be my baby that I never thought would face these times but here we are in March 2011 and it is happening. We never stop being moms no matter how old our babies get. My twins will be 40 in May. God is teaching me things that I needed to learn and I am focusing on these things. I just miss a peace filled house and Corky and I being alone together. We are doing fine and talking a lot about not enabling our son. Until his veil of denial drops, his life is going to just suck for him.

I am so thankful Spring is coming and none too soon. I come out of hybernation after a long winter but this winter I have not been able to restore myself with hybernation. I am exhausted. I know God is working and I am doing my best to listen when He speaks to my heart. It is hard to walk a fine line when both sides are screaming at me. So there you have it, the reason I have been away from the one place I can be myself and get prayers.

Love and Hugs, Laurie


PAM said...

My dear Laurie,

What a raw post, and I am so glad you wrote it. There is no shame in asking for prayers when you have been such a strength for so many. You and your family are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

I feel so sad that the grandkids are not in your life as much as they used to be. I know they brought so much joy and brightened your life. I really hope that their mom realizes what she is depriving the kids of by not allowing them over, and I am sure it is confusing for them as well.

Addictions are a demon for so many and I am sorry that Eric is battling that.

I am hoping that spring can bring a fresh start and some healing to your family. As always, I am so thankful to have you in my life, even if it is just is very real to me.

Love you.

Dawn said...

Oh, Layrie - I am so so sorry. I knew some of this, but not the depth of "stuff" you are dealing with. How sad - I know Isaac and Hannah miss you and their grandpa. They are the losers for sure. I can only imagine how hard it is to have an angry, unhappy grown man come back and live in your little nest with you. I am thankful you are able to find joy in small things, and I hope that reading about the littles helps a bit.

You carry burdens for so many - now it is our turn to help carry yours. Thanks for letting us know.

As for your readers, I find that when I haven't posted for awhile, if I go back and read and comment, my friends come back and check me out. I hope the same happens for you. Bloggers are such supporters!

Love you --

Linds said...

Firstly, Laurie - it is wonderful to see you posting again. Secondly, girl, I wish you had said something along the way so we could at the very least have been praying for you and your family. Especially you.
And thirdly - yes, you are right, they are always our children, but you are NOT a bad Mom. You did all the teaching decades ago, and they choose their paths as adults. We can just wait and watch and paray and pray and.....
We are hear. we can listen. We most certainly can pray over you, just as you have over all of us for so long. We love you. That doesn't change. Big hugs from over the seas.....

Kristy said...

Sweet friend- I will be praying for you.......I will email you shortly... said...

Laurie, I can empathize you. My son is a recovering alcoholic. He and his kidsvare living with bus now. The grand kids used to bring me so much joy but now only pain. You will certainly be in my prayers. Keep your chin up and know that you are never alone. Christ will give you comfort for all the times you feel like you are in a dark cave with no light. HE is your Light. God bless you my friend.


DeeDee said...

I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK ON THE BLOG WORLD! Just had to get that off of my chest. I have missed your inspiring thoughts. I am however sorry that you felt like a loser momma. B/c all I see is a sister in Christ struggling by herself. True we are always a mom, the worry part never changes b/c we love so much. I will be praying for you. I can understand how you hurt over the grands not being there as much and the fact that you are sharing your home once again w/adult children. But girl, I cannot see you doing anything else but sharing. You may not see the grands as much but the times you are with them is 10 times sweeter.

SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK HERE!~ Love you ...DeeDee