I am so disappointed with myself this morning and I am ashamed of myself big time. My "dark side" surfaced last night and has me feeling pretty small this morning. I watched my forgiveness and compassion fly out the door and I did nothing to stop it.
Our friends who have been married for twenty years have traveled the world with their work and always stop by every other Christmas holiday when they visit with their family. I love them and their two daughters who are 18 and 22 years old. The mom and two girls have been living in Maine for the past two years as He has been working in Viet Nam. He has only been home two times to see them during this time. The family has been hurt by this and I've spoken with the wife many times over this time trying to encourage her to hang in there. Then last night, he shows up at our door with his new girlfriend he has been living with in Viet Nam these past two years. She looked to be about 25 years old and really shy and quiet. They visited in the kitchen and I stayed in the living room glued to the movie we were watching when they arrived. I shut down, did not want to be in my own home during this time. I went to my self-righteous and judgmental dark side and stayed there, really uncomfortable. I really had felt this dark side was far behind me over the years of working on it. It only took it a minute to return with full force. I am ashamed of me. I thought I was more grown up than that. I am not. Adultry offends me to my core, always has and always will. I know that I will be speaking to his wife before the year is out and what will I say to her when she asks if I saw him? I have a front row seat to distruction of a marriage and I loathe being here. I know that there is a reason for this but so far, the only thing I see is that I blew it. And I am not proud of myself at all. I know I am rambling here but I need to be honest with God and myself, and with you. And I need your prayers for my heart that feels really dark and not at peace right now. I know it is not over and I need Gods grace to help me with what is to come.
I am looking forward to Isaac and Hannah being here tomorrow. Life is joyful and simple when they are here and I can protect them from the world and it's hurts. They make my heart feel right. Right now my heart feels wrong and I am disappointed with myself. I am so thankful that Corky loves me and understands me, and the Lord too. I just don't get me right now.
Have a wonderful wind down from the holidays and be blessed today. Your prayers and comments would really be uplifting to this weary heart today.
Love and Hugs, Laurie