I am so disappointed with myself this morning and I am ashamed of myself big time. My "dark side" surfaced last night and has me feeling pretty small this morning. I watched my forgiveness and compassion fly out the door and I did nothing to stop it.
Our friends who have been married for twenty years have traveled the world with their work and always stop by every other Christmas holiday when they visit with their family. I love them and their two daughters who are 18 and 22 years old. The mom and two girls have been living in Maine for the past two years as He has been working in Viet Nam. He has only been home two times to see them during this time. The family has been hurt by this and I've spoken with the wife many times over this time trying to encourage her to hang in there. Then last night, he shows up at our door with his new girlfriend he has been living with in Viet Nam these past two years. She looked to be about 25 years old and really shy and quiet. They visited in the kitchen and I stayed in the living room glued to the movie we were watching when they arrived. I shut down, did not want to be in my own home during this time. I went to my self-righteous and judgmental dark side and stayed there, really uncomfortable. I really had felt this dark side was far behind me over the years of working on it. It only took it a minute to return with full force. I am ashamed of me. I thought I was more grown up than that. I am not. Adultry offends me to my core, always has and always will. I know that I will be speaking to his wife before the year is out and what will I say to her when she asks if I saw him? I have a front row seat to distruction of a marriage and I loathe being here. I know that there is a reason for this but so far, the only thing I see is that I blew it. And I am not proud of myself at all. I know I am rambling here but I need to be honest with God and myself, and with you. And I need your prayers for my heart that feels really dark and not at peace right now. I know it is not over and I need Gods grace to help me with what is to come.
I am looking forward to Isaac and Hannah being here tomorrow. Life is joyful and simple when they are here and I can protect them from the world and it's hurts. They make my heart feel right. Right now my heart feels wrong and I am disappointed with myself. I am so thankful that Corky loves me and understands me, and the Lord too. I just don't get me right now.
Have a wonderful wind down from the holidays and be blessed today. Your prayers and comments would really be uplifting to this weary heart today.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
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6 comments:
Laurie, you are in my prayers for your heart to be free of this feeling you have. But, you are so human! God created us to be human in HIs image and likeness. You may feel bad but betrayal doesn't feel right. You feel betrayed by his infidelity which is so normal.You are so loving and kind and offer so much to us and our babies. I am praying that your babies will be there so soon and you will feel that beautiful heart that you posses again! Happy holiday and New year to you, my friend.
Praying for you and your heart. Maybe it actually was best for you to not say anything to him rather than have said things you would be regretting today. He definitely placed you in a tough situation since you are friends with both him and his wife. Praying for you as you figure out the best way to handle this...you have a wonderful heart and that is why this betrayal hurts so much (Can you imagine if that situation felt so "normal" that you didn't feel sadness for your friend?! How COULD you be expected have a conversation with her husband as if everything was "okay" when you know it is not...I surely couldn't have!)
Take care,
Amanda
My dear Laurie,
You are such a dear, sweet human being who loves and cares for so many, like very few other people I have ever come across. I think your spirit has been broken by the betrayal of this man. I think it was wrong of him to put you in the middle of the situation. From what I read into it, his wife does not know about this girlfriend, he is probably looking for the easy way out by putting you in the middle-thinking you will tell the wife.
I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this. You are such a kind soul and not deserving of this burden. You send so many good thoughts and prayers to people. So, of course I would be honoured and pleased to send prayers for your saddened heart.
I love you, and you are on my mind.
Love,Pam
You are such a sweet person and you mean so much to me, even though we have never met. Thank you for your support and for never forgetting my sweet Madeline. I actually just went back and read an old comment you left me and saw where you have started this blog. I am so happy to be able to keep up with you now. Post some pics so I can put a face with your name. Take care and Happy New Year to you and your family.
Mandy
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
Oh, Sweet Laurie. This man put you in an untenable position, in your own home. We are human, we judge. We don't mean to, but we do and for this person (who's wife you are friends with) to show up at your house with his *GIRLFRIEND* was just plain rude. Yes, now I'm being judgmental, but he was. How could he put you in that position?? I'm with Pam on this one. He wants somebody else to do his dirty work for him. (More judgmental thoughts here: what a baby man...:sigh:)
I pray you find peace and thoroughly enjoy the time with the grandbabies. You deserve it!:o)
Love you!
Rach
Laurie...I just sat doen to read your posts tonight and can not believe what this "friend" did to you and your husband in your home! I distaste adultry also...b/c it happened to me 34 yrs ago. I would of done the same thing as you did. I really don't think you have anything to be sorry for...I mean, were you supose to offer them cofee and pie? I am upset that he put you in that situtation, and I agree, he wants you to do his dirty work. Don't do it!
I will however, pray that God gives you words to speak when you talk to your friend. Please tell her that I am praying for her also!
She needs to know that she has support out here, even if we do not know her!
Again, I am so very sorry for your hurt and anger over this man's lame excuse for adultry. I guess I should, NO, I WILL pray for him also.
Joy foryour tomorrow...DeeDee
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